When I look at where I am and what I have, why so often do I want more?
I have so much already - stable job, loving family, two dogs...going on three! (Oh yeah, that's a whole other post.) My house is comfortable, and quite amazingly, as of this moment it's clean and there are only 2 loads of laundry instead of the usual 8+ in the basement. Yet, there is this tug I feel. Is it self-grandiose delusions? Wanting recognition or accolades that are mealiness as soon as they are achieved?
I gave my dues in lab as an intern, on the PhD path then in my first job. Worked as a pregnant 2nd time round mom-to-be in steel toes. Given my all to to management responsibilities then shuffled on back to lab as an individual contributor. I know I like my independence, value my time with my family more than my title, and that I'll tank it all if I see a core principle being ignored or bulldozed over by a bad administrator. Yes, I took my licks, and I handed out some without awareness until it was too late to even so much as apologize without it sounding fake. I am sorry for that which I did not consider, but are those who did not consider me, at all regretful? Does it even matter? Is it wanting to prove to myself or to them my worth, my abilities? Is it defining my own success then feeling unhappy that that success isn't what the world most values?
I don't believe I'll pin down the cause of the tug. As I reflect on it, I don't believe it has a single root cause -- even if I had the desire to run an Apollo style analysis, I don't think it would would tease out anything so profound as to be deemed the one critical failure path. That which if avoided in the future would not result in a re-occurrence of this feeling - this desire - this unknown want for more. What more is wanted is the real question.
It's not more money - there's a capacity to earn more, but not a real need anymore. Not unless I want to retire at 55 which, really why would one want to do that unless one was so ridiculously rich that travel wasn't an issue? It it the flab that has appeared at 40? or the inability to wake early to alienate it with a workout each morning?
It's not more kids. I love the two I have and I haven't always the patience for them and hubs as it is. I love them so very much that their imperfections and mine lead to far to intense of emotions. To my family I may only offer to God my failures and ask He lift me into his arms and carry me when I fall.
It's not more responsibility at work -- I like the impact on my limited sphere and the safety that affords me. I like the stability of being an individual contributor. I would perhaps like to be called on as an "expert" to a wider audience but that's rooted in a need, I believe, which has more to do with enjoying discussions at work on technical topics. I miss being part of a bigger group of working people and that is maybe a small part of the more. I'm working on channeling that into an employee resource group, so nope, it's really not a work thing for which I presently desire more.
It is in part very much personality based -- my personal desire to have a larger impact on people or on the world, is it a need? and obligation to teach children the things I know or learned? To help others or to help myself. Which is it? Families perhaps. This time we live in today. This is part of it. The crazy that was the anti-science, lack of graph reading abilities, in a COVID-laden "she-conomics" depression of a time. I still do not understand how "ALL" the job losses could be attributed to women in that infamous headline from a month or so ago. It's statistically impossible that it was all (aka ONLY) women who lost jobs Yet, on the whole the net losses were to women. I hate headlines like that. Those that are click-bate and divisive.
Almost 1 year into this pandemic, and we've done the 100% all at home thing, the adopt a puppy thing, the loose an old dog & my dear"practice child" co-worker, then adopt another puppy b/c the 1st puppy is bad by herself, the hybrid school thing, the online school but mom is at work thing, and ten came full circle back to almost a normal schedule. It was such heart-breaking summer - how do you explain racism to children in a rural mostly white world? We tried and I hope they do not carry over anything of the racism that exist in our own town. November, and those wounds grew even deeper and to a whole country. Han 6th 2021, what was the world thinking when the senators were walked out and the police were not backed up by a president who doesn't not deserve even to be named here. These chasms will not fast close and there will be the signs of a steam of break even if they are resolved. Still, it feels better to hear less loud voices protesting against so much. Gone too are those voices who truly need changes to their world - the men and women stuck whether due to social status or skin color or both! Those problems are too big for my mind. A family is a small unit - manageable in scope.
I want to impact families. I want moms to stay in the workforce and I want to be home with my kids all the time. It's the contradiction of goals that creates the tug. The stay home all summer and play with them versus the being a member of the society at large and bringing home enough money that a comfortable abundance occurs for those children of mine. Spoiled, yes and loved so very much but not always happy with what they have either. Is it genetic?
So I'll dip a toe. I start a business and I'll mostly volunteer my services for now. Create it in a way that I may build a toolbox of my very own. One that I may use in the future or perhaps not as my desires and tugs of feeling lead me. Perhaps even profit from -- perhaps not. I'm not so comfortable with risk as to be an entrepreneur, but I am stable right now. Finances are good and earning potential might be possible in the future. It doesn't hurt anyone to try if trying does not take away from the time I spend with my designated highest values. That in itself is what must remain the focus. The priorities are here and now written as a reminder to myself to stay true to them and the order matters:
GOD
FAMILY
SELF!
Others
