Wanting More

 When I look at where I am and what I have, why so often do I want more?

I have so much already - stable job, loving family, two dogs...going on three! (Oh yeah, that's a whole other post.)  My house is comfortable, and quite amazingly, as of this moment it's clean and  there are only 2 loads of laundry instead of the usual 8+ in the basement.    Yet,  there is this tug I feel.  Is it self-grandiose delusions? Wanting recognition or accolades that are mealiness as soon as they are achieved?  

I gave my dues in lab as an intern, on the PhD path then in my first job. Worked as a pregnant 2nd time round mom-to-be in steel toes.  Given my all to to management responsibilities then shuffled on back to lab as an individual contributor.   I know I like my independence, value my time with my family more than my title, and that I'll tank it all if I see a core principle being ignored or bulldozed over by a bad administrator.  Yes, I took my licks, and I handed out some without awareness until it was too late to even so much as apologize without it sounding fake.   I am sorry for that which I did not consider, but are those who did not consider me, at all regretful?  Does it even matter?  Is it wanting to prove to myself or to them my worth, my abilities?  Is it defining my own success then feeling unhappy that that success isn't what the world most values?

I don't believe I'll pin down the cause of the tug.  As I reflect on it, I don't believe it has a single root cause -- even if I had the desire to run an Apollo style analysis, I don't think it would would tease out anything so profound as to be deemed the one critical failure path.   That which if avoided in the future would not result in a re-occurrence of this feeling   - this desire - this unknown want for more.  What more is wanted is the real question.   

It's not more money - there's a capacity to earn more, but not a real need anymore.  Not unless I want to retire at 55 which, really why would one want to do that unless one was so ridiculously rich that travel wasn't an issue?   It it the flab that has appeared at 40?  or the inability to wake early to alienate it with a workout each morning? 

It's not more kids. I love the two I have and I haven't always the patience for them and hubs as it is.  I love them so very much that their imperfections and mine lead to far to intense of emotions. To my family I may only offer to God my failures and ask He lift me into his arms and carry me when I fall. 

It's not more responsibility at work -- I like the impact on my limited sphere and the safety that affords me. I like the stability of being an individual contributor. I would perhaps like to be called on as an "expert" to a wider audience but that's rooted in a need, I believe, which has more to do with enjoying discussions at work on technical topics.  I miss being part of a bigger group of working people and that is maybe a small part of the more.   I'm working on channeling that into an employee resource group, so nope, it's really not a work thing for which I presently desire more. 

It is in part very much personality based -- my personal desire to have a larger impact on people or on the world, is it a need?  and obligation to teach children the things I know or learned? To help others or to help myself. Which is it?  Families perhaps.  This time we live in today. This is part of it.  The crazy that was the anti-science, lack of graph reading abilities, in a COVID-laden "she-conomics" depression of a time.   I still do not understand how "ALL" the job losses could be attributed to women in that infamous headline from a month or so ago.  It's statistically impossible that it was all (aka ONLY) women who lost jobs  Yet, on the whole the net losses were to women.  I hate headlines like that. Those that are click-bate and divisive. 

Almost 1 year into this pandemic, and we've done the 100% all at home thing, the adopt a puppy thing, the loose an old dog & my dear"practice child" co-worker, then adopt another puppy b/c the 1st puppy is bad by herself, the hybrid school thing, the online school but mom is at work thing, and ten came full circle back to almost a normal schedule.  It was such heart-breaking summer - how do you explain racism to children in a rural mostly white world? We tried and I hope they do not carry over anything of the racism that exist in our own town.  November, and those wounds grew even deeper and to a whole country.  Han 6th 2021, what was the world thinking when the senators were walked out and the police were not backed up by a president who doesn't not deserve even to be named here.  These chasms will not fast close and there will be the signs of a steam of break even if they are resolved.  Still, it feels better to hear less loud voices protesting against so much.   Gone too are those voices who truly need changes to their world - the men and women stuck whether due to social status or skin color or both!   Those problems are too big for my mind. A family is a small unit - manageable in scope.   

I want to impact families.  I want moms to stay in the workforce and I want to be home with my kids all the time.   It's the contradiction of goals that creates the tug.  The stay home all summer and play with them versus the being a member of  the society at large and bringing home enough money that a comfortable abundance occurs for those children of mine. Spoiled, yes and loved so very much but not always happy with what they have either.  Is it genetic?

So I'll dip a toe.  I start a business and I'll mostly volunteer my services for now. Create it in a way that I may build a toolbox of my very own.  One that I may use in the future or perhaps not as my desires and tugs of feeling lead me.  Perhaps even profit from -- perhaps not.  I'm not so comfortable with risk as to be an entrepreneur, but I am stable right now.  Finances are good and earning potential might be possible in the future.  It doesn't hurt anyone to try if trying does not take away from the time I spend with my designated highest values.  That in itself is what must remain the focus. The priorities are here and now written as a reminder to myself to stay true to them and the order matters:

GOD 

FAMILY 

SELF! 

Others

I Feel

I feel tired.

Is it real or in my mind?

Focus is a chore,

sleep is desired more and more.

Mind on self is a mind unhappy.

What am I doing here?

Does it even matter?

Money for bills - that's why - they are good to get paid.

Job impact is low; my mind feels afraid.

What is the fear deep in my heart?

Is it of failure here, or past roles that fell apart?

When did  I become so self-absorbed?

Where did the days go where there wasn't a care in the world?

Grad school was the last? No, Delaware was also quite fun. 

Did it ever occur here under the Midwestern sun?

There were others before that:

Moments in college were very relaxed;

Sr year was fun, 16 was not.

High School was easy overall but friends there were, as it turned out, not really friends at all.

Childhood was charmed 

Was that the true flaw?

No time to learn how stress can be compressed or reversed or needs for coping at all.

Working Saturday

I had every intention to go to a Mommy's group play-date this Saturday at one of those fancy pants kids' gyms.  It was only going to be $6 and I wanted the opportunity for little L to socialize now that she is up and walking.   By Thursday afternoon, there was a potential for having to go into work on Saturday to monitor a trial and by Friday at 1pm it was inevitable.  Friday night, even after learning F had to work, I was still certain that I could fit in the play-date if I woke up by 7am, went in for the trial, then picked up L at Frank's work daycare*.

With an introduction like that, it is likely no surprise that we did not make the play-date.

The nice thing is, I can honestly say, I don't feel bad about it. I did get up early as planned, but choose to spend two hours with L in the morning, made pancakes for the family, and spent another hour on my own after L and F took off.   In that hour I didn't even get around to showering - I just relaxed with the doggies then got started on work from home (VPN is both a blessing and a curse).  It was a lovely morning and  I feel no guilt at having gone into work later than planned this Saturday.  I felt bad for a while about L not getting to play with other kids her age, until I realized how hard I was being on myself.   She was happily at play in a fun filled safe place while F worked.  I may have missed out on meeting new mom friends, and I do have a limited number of Mom friends here, but I have lots of them from other periods/places of life whom I keep in touch with.  Not to mention a huge extended family, so even missing out on the new potential friends isn't really disappointing in the grand scheme of things.      

I have gotten much better lately at going with the flow.  

Or have I?

I wrapped up work around noon which was about the same time as F called to ask if I would head home for lunch.  L was taking a nap and the state HS hockey tournament was on, so we decided on left overs in front of the TV.   L got up soon thereafter and had her lunch at the counter, but you could tell she was still sort of tired.   So were we.   After a brief attempt at family nap time (Never works, kid thrashes around too much), I told F I'd take her for a while so he could get some rest.  1.5hrs later and with a splitting headache, it was time to swap.

When I first laid down, I knew I was tired and still my head flooded with all sorts of oddities, concerns, plans and random thoughts.  Most of them were work related, hows experiment X doing, what willl person Y think of my having been in on a Saturday again, why does Y feel a need to track what I'm doing in the first place.  It's so annoying, I hate feeling monitored.  Doesn't Y trust me to know how to manage my own time?  oh right, sure it's for my benefit. I wonder if anyone else will be coming over next weekend.  Two said yes, but I hope it is more.  hmmm what kind of st patty's stuff would 1 and 2yr olds enjoy.    I  hate that I wigged my mom out. She gets so weird sometimes about when she hears things like it's a personal affront if I know someone in the family is planning a party before she knows about it.  Geez I hope she is ok, bla bla bla  The worry record in my head is really quite sporadic and incessant.  So I toss and turn, finally fall asleep, and then (seconds later?)  F comes in to tell me he doesn't want to go to church at 5 afterall and we'll wait until the morning. I grumpily ask, "Do I need to get up?"

"No," he says, "We can go tomorrow."

"So why did you wake me up to tell me I don't have to wake up?"

"Oh, sorry, I wanted to make sure you wouldn't be mad. Go back to sleep." he replies

Ugh, the record starts to play again - ah wait - L, let me think about my snuggly cuddly little L. Ah that is better.  Sweet slumber at last. 

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.  I thankfully awoke headache free and we had pasta for dinner, YUM!   Smartest thing I ever did was to teach F to make my mom's spaghetti sauce and meatballs.   L and I went grocery shopping which I think F was thankful for the time alone to relax.  It's good to have that give and take were we both get personal time.  Now he's watching more hockey while I blog.  So, in summary, I think I go with the flow much better these days.  Now if only my head would think that way too.

[As I was posting this, I realized I completely forgot about the sauce I was making.  And, yeah, we've got some extra crispy in the house... guess I'll be playing the cook tomorrow night instead.]

*God Bless the YMCA and their "Kids Stuff" program that allows L to be there during F's 2hr shifts for free. Without it, his working would not be worth the time, hassle or money we'd spend on babysitters*

Being Mom

I never thought I'd enjoy being  mom as much as I do.  I wasn't one of those, oh maybe we'll have kids type.  "When?" was the question we had for a number of years.  However, I always knew I wanted to become a mother. Old classmates and co-workers alike know I love to cook and that baking actually relaxes me.  I emulated my own mom long before I had kids of my own with little cousins, nieces, and nephews.  Being mom-like to stay behind with a semi-passed out girl even paid off one time when it simultaneously got me out of going to "the club where strippers go to die" - sounds charming, right?  Mind you, I didn't know a strip club trip was in the works, and boy would I have been mad...but I digress.

Now the part of being mom I did not anticipate, was the shear joy my daughter brings to me.   That when I can not sleep at night, I need only think of her.  Critical work projects, a messy house, travel plans that are not yet made but really need to be, nope,  NOTHING can keep me up when I get that gorgeous smile to the front of my mind.    True, sometimes those things will wake me up, but dozing off again is easy too when I think of my daughter, "L".    

[Sleep is very important to me. I become a bit of a nightmare to others without it.]

Today was lovely.  My dear husband, "F", let me sleep in and my sweet daughter gave me her wide eyed grin when I finally got up.  I spent the first part of the day baking a blueberry buckle coffee cake and the next part feasting on it with some JJ's in hand.  While F got to work installing some safety gear on the chemical containing cupboards, L and I played in her room.   Play time was also my clean-up time and  I'm proud to say she now has an organized closet, dresser, and yes you can see the floor again.  

[Ah. if only our room looked half as nice!]

As F headed off to work, L (being the perfect daughter she is) gave me a break by taking a now rare afternoon nap.  After trying to get "work work" done for a bit I found myself yet again on FB and eventually wound up on my friend's blog entropy still works.  Rachael is a working mama turned SHAM then back to industry again.  She's also, I kid you not, my mommy mentor. Even though we're the same age, she's been there done that and had the mental mania way before me, because her kids Noah and Eva rank mine by 3yrs and 1mo respectively.  Something today clicked and wham here I am - also a blogger. I guess it is worth noting that  my comfort level is less than Rachael's, so for now it is me, F and L. Let's see if full names and  pictures of us all migrate here eventually.  Until such time, I will chronicle my cooking/baking in photo form starting with that buckle cake.  Why buckle?  Who knows?  That is what the awesome baking with whole grains cookbook from my awesome MIL called it.  

Post nap, L was active and adorable as always.  She screams when hungry, at clothes/diaper changes, and when clipping her nails (oh the horror!), but rarely much else.  We were supposed to go swimming but F had her suit in his bag, so instead it was a super long bath followed by skype time with the extended family.  A little more play time ,some books, a song, the now memorized recitation of "the going to bed book" and she snuggled into  a sweet little ball curling up around her lamby.  Yup - perfect kid!


Being mom is the best part of being me.

Roses

My name is not Rose
Rose is my past and future
Sweet kind loved feared mine